1. |
Faux Pedantic Cheer
01:12
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This one’s for the cynics on the naughty list
The arbitrary rules that label down people a grinch
This one’s for retail kids who’re selling you your vans and lids
Absorbing corporate storms without a flinch
And this one’s for the lonesome bunch who like to eat a quiet lunch
Regurgitating masticated cheer
Reciprocating and placating jingle bell themed aggravating
Oscillating heads on the cashier
It really is ironic how completely catatonically the Holliday themed joy
Can wear you down
And I find it plain mnemonic simply typical and cyclical November ends
And then I start to drown
So come and see friends gather round
A quick sardonic show
A Christmas time themed expose
For those asking what happened to the snow
We all know what we don’t know
and those who don’t just shake their head
Cause what’s the point in being practical
Just sing Christmas songs instead
All I know is what I know
And I know is that this year
I’ll take cynical reality
Over faux pedantic cheer
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2. |
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Out the window lies the icy roadways
It’s Christmas Day I have to work at six
At least the presents under the tree will be a welcome gaze
I can’t wait to find out what Santa picked
I haven’t even crawled out from the covers.
This warmth won’t be abandoned for another.
I glance across the pillow at my lover.
Oh wait. That’s right.
Merry Christmas you’re alone and you deserve it
You’ll watch the New Year’s eve clock on your own.
Write down the resolutions you’ll abandon in three weeks
Enjoy being a one man cicerone
Everyone looks happy on your phone
I used to buy her flowers in the springtime
She’d tuck her favorite back behind her ear
Memories and cringe inducing photos set the pace
For Holliday themed self pity and cheer
Have you ever shopped the shelves at kmart
Pretending you’re not buying for yourself
You spot someone you think could be your soulmate
Oh wait. That’s right
Merry Christmas you’re alone and you deserve it
You’ll watch the New Year’s eve clock all on your own.
Write down the resolutions you’ll abandon in three weeks
Pass your workday like a kidney stone
Everyone looks happy on your phone
Merry Christmas you’re alone and you deserve it
You’ll watch the year end countdown on your own.
I’d offer help if I could get this tongue out of my cheek
But this defense is all I’ve ever known
Everyone looks happy on your phone
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3. |
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It’s that time of the year again
Racist uncles, fruit inside bread
Spend all your money, wish for the best
Hope you look good in both green in red
The calendars thin and the suns gone away
They spend the whole month celebrating one day
Shopping spree for nothing you get to keep...
And when you’re at the mall, please tell Santa for me....
I don’t want anything for Christmas
Sorry I forgot your husbands name
It’s a good thing that you brought that top shelf wine
So I could raise my glass, to take the blame
I don't want anything for Christmas
Unless you wanna pay my dental bill
I can’t eat a single Snowflake cookie
Until you promise me that you will
I dont wanna anything for Christmas
I really should've said this all along
Just repair brakes on my sisters car
Tell the bank to stop calling my mom
If you could take all of the magic stored away, for today
Imagine all the things that we could do
Sprinkle some on any random April day
For one full night of sleep, and some free food
I dont need anything for Christmas
Though, Universal healthcare would be nice
I just want my friends to see a doctor
When they wipe out on a sheet of ice
Oh I don’t want anything for Christmas
No I still don’t have a boyfriend yet
I’d just like a job opening in my field
That pays me enough to cover rent
I don’t want anything for Christmas
Id really just like to be gettin by
I can see my breath inside my bedroom
And yet my bills still lookin pretty high
The world doesn’t stop turning cause your tree is up
There’s still not enough hours in the day
My pay checks don’t get bigger, but my patience does get thinner
No you wont see me riding on any sleigh
But I don’t want anything for Christmas
Aint a single thing on my wish list
Please don’t get me anything for Christmas...
And to the end of this season, I say ‘Tis!
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4. |
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Take off your pants
And go out in the cold
Prove to the world
You are someone who knows how to be bold
Take a shot for every shiver
Don’t need a coat I’ve got a liver
At this rate I might just forgive her
Karma’s like ice
It breaks your car once a year
But its kinda nice
When winter decides you don’t get the option to steer
Screw the heart you try to coddle
Don’t need a friend I’ve got a bottle
In winter clothes we all could be models
Let it all loose
You’re safe in the snow
Strings of bright lights
Tell you everything you need to know
I hope you know it can be risky
Comfort in nicotine and whiskey
You could be warmer if you got a bit frisky
Whatever that means
Jingle bells
All is well
Reindeer in the sky
Jingle Bells
Reindeer fell
Crashing from on high
Jingle bells
Can’t you tell
Santa clause can’t cry
Jingle Bells
Ain’t it swell
We’re all gonna die
The earth is an icicle
And it’s starting to melt
Like an old bicycle
This the shakiest I have ever felt
So I’ll just sing what the cynics are craving
Auld lang syne meets misbehaving
And merry Christmas to all that’s worth saving
Now take of your pants
All together now:
Take Off Your Pants, it’s cold outside
Jingle Bells, Cant you tell, We’re all gonna die.
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5. |
Patron Saint of Grinches
05:00
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Shoot me out to Saturn
And let me drink my fill
Planetary moonlight
Leak through the windowsill
Name me Lord of Misrule
And mock me as the king
The patron saint of grinches
Come Christmas hear me sing
I don’t mind
I just say that
I don’t fight
I just lay back
The year has left me weary
November calls my name
And January answers
Prepared to start the same
Sacrifice my kingly visage
When my rule comes undone
I’m sanctified a martyr
And free from everyone
I don’t mind
That you told me
But I’ve only snow
To console me
Abbot of unreason
Quell my mischief mind
Find me back here next year
Carousing in good kind
It’s Christmas and I’m lonely
But I’m that way most of times
And I’m scared so I’ll admit it
With upbeat cheery rhymes
Sing your song boy it’s Christmas
Sing along cause it’s Christmas
Don’t you cry, friend it’s Christmas
What a lie, Merry Christmas
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BENNTY Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
I'm not always careful with what I say, so I try to be careful with what I sing.
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